It’s Yuletide again, and you crazy right-wingers who populate the readership of this fine publication need to find some gifts for your political geek friends. Well, don’t worry your head trying to be witty and original because I am here to save the day. From bitter cuddly toys (I cry when I hear about dead animals, especially forest friends) to Opposition themed hardware, we at the Backbencher have you covered. You’re welcome.
1) For the Evil Tory £5
I’ve started nice and tame so as to avoid giving my editor a heart attack. You filthy animal-murdering enthusiasts can give your tweed-wearing gun-toting buddies a cute emblem to remind them of their evil sins. Or as a memento to remember the ‘victory’ that you won against these shy and noble creatures. He’s from IKEA and is only a fiver and has a cute little starry jacket so what’s not to love?
2) For the Liberal Doormat £15
It just screams ‘Tread on me’. I tried to find one with Clegg’s face on, but to no avail. Sorry. This gift will suit someone of any political preference, it will piss off your Lib Dem friends; their reaction will be worth the loss of your friendship. Get them a SEFS bumper sticker to go with it to sweeten the deal.
3) Do you have any Socialist friends? £23.95
Give them this ‘Merry Christmarx’ plate to eat their Christmas dinner off. His cute little sombre mug looks adorably ridiculous with the santa hat on top. It’s another reason for him to hate capitalism & the free market and another for you lot to love it. Can you buy me one please?
4) For your UKIP companions, £40
What is more appropriate than a one- way ticket to Romania? If you book one now, you can get it for £40 from Easyjet to leave in mid-January! Your companion would get to sample the delights of Bucharest and mingle with the people they love.
5) For the Green, £15
What screams crazy hippy like a grow-your-own butterfly garden? Probably a lot of my things, actually, for instance my local Green councillor organizes naked bike rides and is rumoured to make compost out of his own faeces. Anyway, anyone who goes to conferences that are publicly described (on the Guardian) as ‘lovely big green fields’ must either smoke too much green stuff or be a complete hippy complete with hemp. They can watch the chrysalis unfurl through a haze of smoke in the comfort of their eco-friendly commune and observe the butterflies burst forth to glory, much like Natalie Bennett obviously will at the next election…
6) For the student politician, around £15 from B&Q
Ah, those lovely labour students who monopolise our SUs and the NUS, desperately trying to climb that career ladder, one Sabbatical year at a time. Why not get your careerist friend a consolation prize- make their metaphorical dreams literal. Buy that infamous Ed Miliband blow up doll to stick at the top, so when your friend has reached the highest peak they can stare into his strangely beguiling eyes and pledge their allegiance to the Fauxialist cause.
7) For the impartial swing voter £21.99
Now, these people are impossible to rile up unless you call them out on the fact that they have no bollocks. I was going to ask if I could do bollocks from the butchers as a suggestion but a) I am a vegetarian and do not condone the decapitating of animals (unless it’s David Cameron) and b) they would be impractical and start to smell as bad as Miliband’s sock drawer after a day or two under the tree. So here’s a less of-fence-ive gift. Yep, you got it. A nice picket fence for them to sit on. Enjoy.