Note: This piece will first be published in the July 2019 edition of The Backbencher (circulation 250 – copied out on toilet paper by a number of detention centre inmates). It is reproduced here with the author’s permission.
The Backbencher has always prided itself on publishing content relevant to the issues concerning modern conservatives. This used to mean content on Brexit, the virtues of free markets and tax reform. However shortly after the newly elected Prime Minister Corbyn outlawed the Conservative Party in November 2017, and established a network of Detention Centres (commonly known as gulags) for centre-right dissidents, these priorities changed. Most of our readers now say the most important questions for them concern the differences between these Detention Centres, and the pro’s and con’s of being held in each one. So here’s our comprehensive review of Britain’s political Detention Centres as of July 2019.
One: The Paul Mason Detention Centre, Norfolk – 4/10
A recently opened centre offering great views over a section of the Norfolk Broads waterway. Relax in minimalist holding huts (they haven’t got roofs yet) and enjoy refreshing complementary showers (when it rains). The facility is situated close to an RSPB nature reserve, meaning the majestic calls of Redshank and Skylarks periodically drown out the sound of your fellow inmates being tortured. However the centre does loose marks on the catering front, as all inmates are expected to catch their own food, and the facilities for ice skating enthusiasts are non-existent. We’ve also heard that, on occasion, some of the guards can be rude and surly.
Two: The Seamus Milne Detention Centre, Dartmoor – 7/10
The Seamus Milne Detention Centre is a spacious facility situated in the heart of the picturesque Dartmoor National Park. The facilities on offer are excellent, with only three inmates per bed and a luxurious one bathroom (with cold and very cold running water) for every 50 prisoners being held. The guards are friendly, generally only conducting a couple of beatings per day, and residents are well fed with bread and potato meals provided on at least one day in three. On the downside parts of the camp, particularly the Enhanced Interrogation Centre, can get quite cold in winter due to a poorly fitted heating system.
Three: The John McDonnell Detention Centre, Manchester – 8/10
A charming Detention Centre situated in a rustic setting on the outskirts of Manchester, within easy reach of the cultural delights of the city centre (theoretically – you’re forbidden from going). Stay in one of camps authentic Portaloos, and marvel at the engineering behind its open street sewer system. The site includes first-rate facilities, including a gym, swimming pool and tennis courts (though only guards are permitted to use them) and a 36 inch HD TV (though no power source is available). The food is excellent, with delicious sauces which on some days mean you can barely tell that you’re eating rat. As an additional bonus due to a local truncheon shortage beatings are carried out relatively infrequently, and are administered comparatively gently.
A housing block at the John McDonnell Detention Centre
Four: The Len McCluskey Detention Centre, Sunderland – 5/10
A perfectly adequate, though far from luxurious, Detention Centre situated in the city of Sunderland. Residents can enjoy year round open-air camping and periodic baths in the River Wear. A well-stocked library is available, holding both Das Capital and The Communist Manifesto, whilst live music can be enjoyed whenever one of the guards decides to whistle in the corridor. On the downside inmates are periodically taken before the local populous and blamed for whatever economic difficulties (goods shortages, unemployment etr) the Corbynites want to avoid being held responsible for. Also the camp contains a disproportionate number of Blairites, who don’t always integrate fully with more conservative inmates.
Five: The Andrew Murray Detention Centre, Inverness – 2/10
An austere but attractively located Centre situated within 10 miles of Inverness, the capital of the Scottish Highlands. Most of the dissidents held in this facility are considered ‘high risk’, and are required to undertake around 10 hours of manual labour per day. The working day begins with breakfast (if inmates have any earwax leftover from dinner) followed by 30 minutes of symphonised ‘Oooh Jeremy Corbyn’ singing. Those who sing quietest are usually punished with a via either a violent beating or being forced to read one of Jeremy Corbyn’s The Morning Star articles. Inmates then spend the day working on local collectivised farms or steel factories, after which each day ends with a collective screening (attendance compulsory) of Ken Loach’s ‘I, Daniel Blake’.
© James Bickerton, Cell 464 (turn left at the sewage leak), The Paul Mason Detention Centre.