An urgent appeal from the Disadvantaged Dictators Benevolent Fund.
Times are tough for all us, but the dictators of the world are finding things particularly difficult. Sanctions, rebellions and a bad press are pushing many to the brink. We are asking you to help make a difference. Even a small donation will do much to alleviate the suffering of this oppressed minority
Muammar Gaddafi is a telling reminder of what can happen when we turn our backs on the weak, the helpless and those who are different. Muammar wasn’t like the other leaders. He had a dream, a dream that one day world leaders could attend summits wearing a set of purple drapes as an outfit, without ridicule or condemnation. Muammar the Fabulous, as he liked to be called, paved the way in eclectic state attire. No colour was too bold, no robe too billowing, and no uniform too garish.
But Muammar was ahead of his time. The socially conservative Tailors Guild of Benghazi whipped up a mob and rebelled against Gaddafi. Soon, the Suit Wearers Association of Misrata joined the fray, and Muammar was caught whilst fleeing in his environmentally friendly, carbon neutral golf-cart.
The details of his death are too gruesome to be told here, but they highlight the desperate need to look after the most vulnerable. And there are others out there like Muammar who desperately need your help.
Young Bashar Al Assad’s trained to be a doctor, but was forced to give up his dreams and returned home to run the family business. A quiet man, Bashar’s kindness was taken as a weakness. His frequent lavish public firework displays have been cruelly twisted by opponents and make to look like air strikes. Even his specially trained ‘Surprise Hug Cadets’ have been labelled a ‘Secret Police’. Things are so bad Bashar is even thinking of using laughing gas across the country to try and lift the mood. Bashar’s pen-pals in Moscow and Tehran are writing to him less often, and his cheeky meerkat like features haven’t been seen on the streets in months.
For just £1.8 billion you could help provide enough laughing gas to cover Syria and get Bashar smiling again.
The rulers of Burma are doubly selfless. Not only did they serve their country’s military with distinction, often fearlessly gunning down unarmed civilians; they have taken on the administrative burden of running the government. The junta, which is Burmese for ‘Super Fun Happy Joy Coordinators’, are tirelessly working to spread martial pride and organisation to the four corners of Burma. Uniform clad Joy Coordination Teams are working closely with local village chiefs so spread as much military style joy as possible, up to and including relieving local civilian officials of clerical burdens of leadership and running districts themselves.
But such an ambitious project costs money. A starting donation of £2.2 billion would see a Joy Coordination Team garrisoned, (erm, I mean embedded) in every town and village.
Iran has a proud record of scientific achievement going back centuries, and Mahmoud Ahmadinejad loves science almost as much as he hates wearing ties. This plucky little Persian, inspired by Dexter’s Lab and Blue Peter, has set about making his own science project. But like so many geeks, Mahmoud is getting picked on by local bullies. Whether its sanctions on his lunch money, killing off his lab partners, or sending Stutnex viruses to his laptop, Mahmoud faces daily challenge to getting his nuclear project.
But you can help Mahmoud. Do you have any unwanted uranium in the loft or shed? What about getting rid of those spare S300 Surface-To-Air Missile Batteries you have lying around? Every little helps.
Like Bashar, little Kim Il Jung hasn’t been able to pursue his dreams. Kim would have loved to take to the road performing his Eric Clapton tribute act. Instead, he is running the family business, like his father, and his father before him. But the family business is struggling, not helped by the family’s insistence on keeping over 1 million security guards on the payroll. But Kim himself is nothing if not frugal. In fact, he only has one set of clothes, which seem to be hand-me-downs from his late father.
For as little as £250 you could help Kim get fitted out with a brand new wardrobe from H&M. And for an extra £10 we could give him the added treat of a professional haircut…because no world leader should have their mum cutting their hair in the kitchen. It’s just embarrassing.
Africa is not without its besieged tyrants either. Bobby Mugabe, the historical farming enthusiast, is also in need of your help. His passion for agriculture led him to share the country’s best and most profitable farmland among those with no previous experience of cultivation. A romantic at heart, Bobby has devoted 30 years to ensuring every Zimbabwean knows what it feels like to live in the 17th century. Electricity, oil and hard currency are unhelpful distractions to his vision, and he does his best to make sure these reminders of modernisation are as rare a sight as possible. His care for his people is so great, he hasn’t even noticed the strip below his nose that he keeps missing while shaving. His people have rewarded him with many a fabulous shirt, emblazoned with is own image.
Yet Bobby needs your help. Desolate farmlands make for a beautifully haunting panorama, but do little for the economy. By donating generously you can help Bobby fulfil his vision of turning Zimbabwe into a truly authentic pre-industrial rural state, while keeping his wardrobe stocked with bedazzling garments.
The Disadvantaged Dictator Benevolent Fund cannot continue its works without your support. Please give what you can. Your help really does make a difference. Sponsor a dictator today and you’ll receive a photograph of your adopted tyrant, as well as a monthly newsletter keeping you informed of his progress.
**Please send cheques or brown envelopes Care Of Lee Jenkins, PO Box 666, Cayman Islands Central Post Office, Cayman Islands Crown Colony, Caribbean**