Old Holborn’s Queen’s Speech


The pomp and the circumstance of today’s Official State Opening of Parliament might feel like a lavish remake of Hogwarts, complete with much mustering of the dark arts, but it ushers in yet another year of political incompetence by those who would be our masters. Forget the fawning Westminster bubble sketch writers, the dim witted revomited “jokes” from Dennis Skinner, the ancient and dust coated Beast of Bolsover, the carrying of the oiled cormorant from the lower peg by the Most Gracious Protector of the Undergarment – Order of the Garter and look at what will actually be achieved. Another plethora of useless and pointless regulation designed to keep the wheels of Big Government rolling slowly forward to a complete authoritarian state. Never mind paying 5p for a plastic bag, look at the very concept in play here.

An unelected Monarch, dripping in inherited wealth from a battle one thousand years ago, proceeds in a carriage made of crushed private jets and blood diamonds to her Royal Palace of Westminster to read out a statement on how her minority elected Government will ensure everything stays exactly the same as it has ever stayed. A House of Commons designed to exclude the commoners and a House of Lords designed to Lord over us. Not even Disney could put on a show as sycophantic or pointless.

This bloated undemocratic legislature, dedicated to measuring, monitoring, regulating, taxing and licensing our very existences from birth to death ruffles it’s plumage like some demented peacock and we are supposed to gasp in admiration? Not this idle spectator.

My speech to house would run along the lines of the following.

“This is my last speech to you. The Monarchy as an institution is finished, our wealth is stolen and our lands should be your lands. I set you all free from serfdom, from subjugation, from false allegiances and pledges. I will not serve you and in return, I will not demand you serve me.

Your Houses of Representatives are anything but. They are filled to the rafters with grovelling, corrupt psychopaths who will do anything for power over you. My power was inherited; these bastards will kill for it, and they will do so in your name. There is no democracy in this place, so this place will cease to exist forthwith. A small department to scrutinise legislation will replace it and the legislation will come from you, the population, not 650 oily shites with their own agendas. You will suggest laws, seek support for it, and then vote in referendums on it. With the red button on your TV if necessary. Lobbyists will have to convince you, the people, instead of bribing a few of your representatives and you will be held responsible for the outcomes. If you pass stupid laws, you will live under them until such time as you make better laws to replace them with – think of it as a learning process. If you choose to make One Direction the New Gods, then live with the consequences. You are adults and you are paying for it, so now you decided what you want.

75% of the vote is the benchmark for a new law to be introduced, 51% for an old law to be abolished and if no one votes, then it will be assumed you can’t be arsed so nothing will change.

Now go, write your own manifestos. Party Politics, along with the rule over you by a Sovereign is dead. I’m keeping Black Rod and Windsor Castle as a souvenir but help yourselves to the curtains on the way out. Oh, and guards, shoot Blair behind the paint sheds. Quickly.

It was fun while it lasted



  1. Phew! Thank goodness the majority will still be able to oppress the minority in this brave new world. I was worried for a second there.


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