Old Holborn: The Internet Puritans

Social media has brought about a seismic shift in the way we individuals in this country interact with each other and the last three weeks have shown that Politicians are finally realising that 60 odd million of us have voices just as powerful as their own. No longer content with bawling at each other over the benches of Parliament, they have decided to silence us, the people, in case we rise above our lowly stations.

Let’s look at what has actually happened. Firstly, someone who has absolutely no idea what the Internet is has been placed in charge of Government Internet Policy. I give you Claire Perry (@Claire4devizes) on twitter. Hyperbolic ranting and screeching that unless we all burn our copies of Clockwork Orange, we will turn into bloodcurdling rapists, society will crash around us, and our strange new world of online Sodom and Gomorrah, created by us, for us, will become the norm. Children in Holland can walk past a prostitute in a shop window but if a sex worker here decides to sell his or her wares as a fantasy, they should be burned at the stake as an affront to women, along with the URL’s of such utter filth that we all have the choice not to look at.

Next, we have Tesco and the Co Op placing images of women in little black bags, lest someone take offense whilst the very same feminists rejoicing this major leap forward in putting men back in their cages demand to go topless sunbathing in Dubai regardless of the offense caused. Caitlin Moran is quite happy to shriek about the exploitation of females as long as no one burns HER new book (available in October, stock up for Xmas £19.99).

Followed by the dawning realisation that people talking to each other freely on the Internetz means that sometimes, alas, people say nasty things to each other as we all share the same space on social media. Regardless of the past 20 years of flame wars and Internet forum abuses, the feminists have decided that if we are going to be allowed to speak to each other, then we have to do on their terms. We already know perfectly well what is legal and what is a criminal threat but that won’t stop them demanding that anyone who owns a white wall must guard it 24/7 lest a graffiti artist leave a menacing or “off message” inscription upon it. A bewildered Twitter employer must be summoned on live TV and made to pay if anyone dares write anything on the great wall of Social Media that our new unelected moderators do not approve of.

When the left lost the last election, they realised they could no longer dictate through Governmental armies of Diversity Coordinators so have decided to dictate through social media instead. Woe betide anyone who sends a tweet of two fat women (yes, I’m still under investigation by the CPS as a lonely man in Stockport decided to run to the Police as he found it “offensive” and “threatening”) and self declared “lovely” people are going to boycott Twitter this Sunday in the hope that we will all start sending each other pictures of kittens instead of daring to debate the real issues which only they are allowed to mention. Whilst they demand we resist the urge to go on Twitter, not one of them demands that we resist the urge to view the nasty things they are all compiling in their Sunday Rant columns (available behind the paywall, of course, a woman has to eat, after all).

I can’t see Twitter doing a damn thing about us insulting and abusing each other online, nor would I want them to. I don’t want the Government OR hair shirt wearing feminists telling me what I can say or what I can see on my mobile phone. I’m all grown up now, I can make the choices I need to make for myself, and so can everyone else – an inconvenient truth to the new idealists attempting to regulate and legislate us into quiet and compliant submission. What next? Web Pastors checking our Emails and advising us that we need to go to bed now, as we’re drunk and likely to regret what we said in the morning?

If you want us all to wear Burqas, gouge our eyes out, drink less, smoke less, eat less and be lovely to each other all day long, stand on that platform at election time and beg us for our votes. Don’t come marching over to my personal space online threatening to silence me or call the Police because my views are different to yours. The Pilgrim Fathers left the UK to set up their own puritanical paradise elsewhere. I suggest the new breed of tight lipped feminazis do the same on their specially developed social media via Mumsnet. Leave the rest of us alone in the Jungle, we’ve made it this far without you.


  1. Hmm. Which people are simultaneously:
    Campaigning for Nuts magazine et al to be put in modesty bags
    Sunbathing topless in Dubai? Genuinely interested.

    Also, what’s the problem with Caitlin Moran selling a book? Or are you not fond of women with opinions?

  2. How long before we have little machines listening to our conversations and issuing fines if the “verbal morality code” is breached . . . .

    • Good afternoon Mr Orwell.
      This is just to inform you that we have decided to fine you £1000 for saying the word ”listening”.
      Yours, The Verbal Morality Code Watchdog.

  3. “The Pilgrim Fathers left the UK to set up their own puritanical paradise elsewhere.”

    No, actually, the Puritans’ Paradise was the Mass Bay Colony (Boston, Salem) fifty or so miles up the coast, not the Plymouth Colony (South Shore, Cape Cod). That said, the Pilgrims (“Separatists”), stress “grim,” were no barrel of laughs either.

    But hey, even the Puritans’ twice-great grandchildren were amongst those who signed that piece of paper that says “Congress shall make no Law… abridging the freedom of speech, or of the press; or the right of the people peaceably to assemble, and to petition the Government for a redress of grievances.”

    There’s always hope for a future generation– you’d hope so, at any rate. Sometimes it’s the only thing that can keep you going.

  4. Bang on again Oh. It just worries me slightly that there may be people out there who think that the internet will always remain untouchable. The internet/social networking scares The Government Whoever, they can’t control it…..yet, and as control is what they’re all about, they will use everything in their not inconsiderable power to do so.
    They’ve already found the ammunition they need for their fight against internet ‘abuse’, all they need now are the weapons, and you can guarantee that at this very moment, The Government Whoever are doing there utmost to acquire them.
    Still, mebbe I’m just being overly paranoid, and everything will be just fine & dandy……yeah, that’s probably it.

    P.S. I’m loving your term ‘femenazi’ btw…….hehe!……You know they’re gonna want to flambe your plums for that, don’t you?

  5. The offendomatics’ key assumptions are always that (a) they are in charge, and (b) there is no alternative forum and so their assertion of rules must win out.

    Yet we are nimbler than they. We can select ways to say things quicker than said ways can be banned. The internet will find a way.

    • Hi Tent, I’m not so sure if you’ve got their second assumption right y’know. Ok yeah, they assume that they’re in charge…..which they are, unfortunately. But they know that there’s an alternative forum….the internet….and that’s why they wish to take control of it.


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