We haven’t heard from one of our Page Editors for a while and we were as shocked as you were when the headlines came out. We are looking for Tom, can you help us find Tom?
The News of The Universe – reported:
Our condolences to the British family of regular Backbencher contributor Tom Stringer, who (we are told) has been killed whilst on holiday in Iran. We are aware that his mutilated body was found in a nuclear reactor with bite marks consistent with those of a male Bengal tiger. We are also been allegedly informed that a lubricated light-bulb was found in an orifice of his body, we are not sure of where however. As yet, we are unable to confirm whether it was inserted before or after his death.
Hello? Iran – claimed:
Tom was an Iranian nuclear scientist who had allegedly converted over to Israel to work as a double agent. Having not yet learnt Hebrew, his time as a double agent amongst the ranks of well trained Israeli soldiers was ultimately flawed…, obviously (tut tut, Tom). It came as a shock to us all that Tom was in trouble in Israel – especially as we know he has not left East Anglia – but we want to let everyone know that his kids are safe, and are with Olly Neville.
Venezuela In Three Days time – read:
In accordance to his wishes the beloved Tom has donated his organs to Hugo Chávez, Tom was believed to be deeply worried about the Venezuelan leader’s (Or how Tom was often heard describing him “The Glorious one”) deteriorating health. Reports coming from Venezuela have informed me that the streets are lined with cheering crowds celebrating around portraits of Tom, he will be forever remembered as the one who saved Chavez’s life.
A spokesperson for The Socialist Workers Partay said:
It is with great sadness that we have been told of the supposed death of our esteemed colleague Tom Stringer. Tom was a valued member of the team and worked tirelessly trying to bring down The Backbencher. His alleged death after a 93 hour ‘Kim Kardashian Dress Up marathon came as a shock to us all. Tom had done so many good deeds, and was an active member of charitable organisations like the Salvation Army, Oxfam and the Lords Resistance Army. Reports of his passing have upset us all, our thoughts are with his wife at this time
North Korea News, Yah – Reported:
A body found at the Yongbyon nuclear facility in North Korea is believed to be that of missing Backbencher writer Tom Stringer.
Well known for his fiery anti-Western views, British Security Services had long known that Tom was an agent for Iran, but now suspect that he had defected to North Korea. Sources in the Iranian Revolutionary Guard Counter Intelligence Unit confirmed that Tom, who’s codename was Agent Light-bulb, had grown disillusioned with perceived Iranian softening, and had long admired the uncompromising socialism of North Korea.
Fearful that Tom may divulge sensitive information to the Koreans, Iran dispatched an assassination team to neutralise the threat. His body was found clutching a semen stained photo of the Ayatollah Khomeini, and with lacerations to several orifices. It’s unknown if these were inflicted pre or post-mortem.
We don’t actually know if any of these reports are true, but what we do know is that we have not seen or heard from Tom in literally ages. Can you search for Tom on Twitter by using the hashtag #whoistomstringer
to send him back home to us!
If you hear any other news as to where Tom is, let us know via the contact us page.